Posted by: athenabast on: February 10, 2010
I have Beyonce’s Single Ladies bouncy around in my head right now.
Early in the evening, Jack was greeting everyone with “Heys” and “What’s ups” occasionally slapping guys on the back or punching them in the shoulder but when he gets to me he says, “Hey there” and caresses my arm from my elbow to my wrist. I watched as he did this, time seemed to from my perception and “what the hell are you doing?” went through my head. Noof (which is going to be the name I shall give the guy that Jack doesn’t like flirting with me) was standing across from me and I looked at him with a kind of wtf face. He just shrugged shoulders.
I’m grateful that I’m “one of the guys” but there’s a part of me is like “Hi! Girl here! Acknowledge that!” so when “Alright guys! Game on!” was called I was just a wee bit miffed. Noof said, “Sorry. It was bound to happen. You’re one of us guys now.” So I replied for whatever reason, “Yes, but I’m the only one that’s supposed to have boobs.” To which Jack proclaimed somewhat pointedly, “So what’s your excuse, Noof?” Noof just shrugged it off with a whatever.
If anything it’s just trash talk but also, given what I know, it’s also male posturing. People ask me why do I care so much about what he thinks. I’m not if I care in the traditional sense but I to like pushing buttons and if my close friendship with Noof is pushing some of Jack’s buttons I’m all for it. Despite what I’ve said here, I want to make it clear I’m not looking to get involved with Jack. Just that he’s showing some possessive traits that I’m wanting to get away from with the Lump where it got to the point I couldn’t even mention a male name out of fear that “that guy” was trying to take me away from him.
I hate the fat, lazy coward I’ve become around the BF. I love the vivacious, joyous piece of hawtness that I am on Mondays. The person I remember I was before this relationship. The personality that got me this relationship unfortunately but it can also get me something better. Goofing off with Noof has made me feel a lot better about myself.
Noof’s a sweetheart but I’m not interested in the slightest but he’s a lot of fun to be around. We are way too comfortable with each other. I’m guessing it’s because he’s way more emotionally present than many guys I know. At least the hetero ones. Jack could have had that we were going there but something, whatever it was, stopped that from happening.
Posted by: athenabast on: February 3, 2010
People have been asking me why have a blog? Why not just keep a private journal? What if “The Lump” finds out?
There’s nothing on here that I haven’t already told people I know face to face. And I’ve said worse to some like I was telling a dear friend that Jack was talking about buying a 50inch TV in the spring and while I only commented that it stopped being a TV about 10inches ago I really wanted to say “I’ve seen you naked. You don’t need a TV that big”. It was all matter of fact and virtually off-handed. He looked up from what he was doing and asked, “Did you just say what I think you said?” I nodded and grinned, “Yeah.” “Oh My God! This is why I love you!” he squealed.
And I guess I just told you soooooooooo……
I guess there’s that lasting searchability factor rather than the ether of the spoken word but whether this is private or public there’s an equal chance of him finding it. Actually, probably less of one given that it’s public since I’m not trying to hide it. Having it private would make me more neurotic and that’s something I’m trying to avoid.
Have I said why I call him “The Lump”? It’s because he’s basically a lump on a log. He doesn’t like going anywhere or doing much of anything, even if it involves his interests. When we go see movies we get there just before the movie starts and we come home just after the movie ends. And his opinions are so generic and/or typical like he’s scared if the geek/nerd community heard him they’d take away his membership card or something.
Am I betraying his trust? I dunno, when I couldn’t mention the name of any of the guys I worked with out of fear that just by saying their name he’d assume I was cheating on him because every girl he’s every dated has cheated on him. The last time I did I had to explain that he was his type. So now the only guys I talk about are the gay ones and senior citizens.
This is basically me turned up to eleven as it were. If this is too personal or intimate or whatever don’t read it.
I’ll leave the subject of advice to another session. I need to take a nap before work.
Posted by: athenabast on: February 3, 2010
I fucking love Adam Cohen. One, he’s the son of Leonard Cohen so his being awesome was just a genetic destiny. He’s a wonderful songwriter and sounds like he makes love to every note he sings.
I remember seeing him on the “Donny & Marie” show back in the 90’s. Yes, the Osmonds. They had a daytime talk show a la Regis and Kelly. I had bought his debut album months previous and CD player was on the verge of revolt if I kept listening to it. I was little surprised, let’s say to see him on there and to see Donny give such rave reviews. The album is awesome and a lot of what you’d expect from the son of Leonard but there’s a couple songs on there (Quarterback for one) that are rather graphic for language and content. I was like, “Did they get an edited version of the album or something?” because I was just a little weirded out that he was on their show.
He has two English language albums, Adam Cohen and Low Millions. The second is also the name of the band he’s in. He also has a couple French language albums, one of which is called “Melancolista” I believe.
I’m a firm believer that everyone needs a little Adam Cohen in their lives. And while you’re at it, take a look at his father’s work too, all the better. The more Cohen in your life the better you are.
Something went wrong
You are not laughing
It’s not so easy now to get your smile
You gotta be wrong
To walk these streets
And keep from falling
But when you’re not, just let yourself cry
You’ve been working hard
Just trying to pay the rent
Tryin’ to draw the line between who you are
and who you invent
But if you throw a stone
Something’s gonna shatter somewhere
We’re all so fragile
We’re all so scared
You say you wanna learn how to live your life
without tears
But we’ve been trying to do that for thousands of years
So go on and cry Ophelia
It’s the only thing to do sometimes
You know I’m crying too
Right there with you
It’s alright Ophelia
Everybody cries
Thank god for my bad memory
I’ve forgotten some of the stupid things
that I’ve done
I’ve come to a little wisdom
through a whole lot of failure
So I watch more carefully what rolls off my tongue
You pray for rain
But you don’t want it from a storm
You find a rose
And cut your finger on a thorn
So go on and cry Ophelia
It’s the only thing to do sometimes
You know I’m crying too
Right there with you
It’s alright Ophelia
Everybody cries Ophelia
Posted by: athenabast on: January 29, 2010
Okay, that’s probably not the song lyric I was looking for but it’s going to have to do.
I didn’t forget about yesterday. I’ve just been coming down from a frappuccino overload so please forgive me.
I don’t think I could ask Jack to move in here with a straight face. Hell, I can’t see him saying yes. Unless he’s absolutely crazy. Of course, living with him might be good to get him out of my system. Then again, I don’t know if we could live together without fooling around eventually. I’ll be without a boyfriend but there’s always that nameless girlfriend which I’m pretty sure is a place holder right now.
I can’t fault him too much because I’m basically with the Lump until I pay him back the money I owe him but he’s not there until I get someone else. Lump and I haven’t had a talk yet but I’m pretty sure we’re both feeling lethargic about it all. It’s just not going anywhere and it’s not going to go anywhere. We’ve hit a wall. We’re pretty much going though the motions right now. If my finances didn’t blow up in my face this would all be over so much faster and easier.
I think Jack and I are going to torture each other until one of us cracks. I just can’t believe I’m attracted him after all these years. Or find him attractive after all these years. It’s like no time has passed and it’s senior year of high school all over again.
Oh! I completely forgot about something that happened last Saturday. All of the regulars were there so the guy that Jack doesn’t like flirting with me was there. He was one of the first ones to leave at like 2AM. When he left he made a point to come over and give me a hug….. and grab my ass. So I grabbed his, and I’m pretty sure Jack saw. Which is probably what prompted the “Good Night Gents!” when he left.
And the near complete ignoring of me that night until it was time to leave. There was about 6 or so leaving all at the same time, heading in the same direction as his car. I was like, uh, we’re all not going to fit in there. Am I being left to get the bus? Truthfully I probably just should have gone for the bus but something tells me if I did, I wouldn’t be getting back in that car if I had. So I’m walking with a bit of trepidation towards the car and I say, “Um, how am I getting home?”
“Get in the car!” he says in a rather commanding voice. Which kinda turned me on. I’ve never heard him so forceful before.
We need to do the dinner thing. I don’t care. I’m not going to give a handjob under the table. I just want to catch up on the last 15 years. I want to find a way to talk to him that doesn’t turn me into a bashful idiot. I want to be able to talk to him where we can both be concentrating on us not one of us on the road, not playing video games, not having an audience.
I can’t see how I’m going to pass off him moving in (that is if he does move in). He’s getting his own room (true) and he has a girlfriend (may or may not be true) not that it should matter at all to the Lump. I haven’t slept around on him. I’m not going to either.
I’m going to go fucking crazy.
Posted by: athenabast on: January 27, 2010
Some would say it’s a case of over thinking but that would require it to be in my head constantly. It’s not. I just randomly pops up at the most inopportune times or when it’s not currently occupied by something else. Which is why I have this. It’s sort of like a pressure release valve. If I can’t get it out here I’m likely to drown in it.
I have a couple friends at work who I spill everything to after I’ve updated here. I’m glad they work Tuesdays otherwise I’d probably be in shambles all week but I generally get all my stuff out after the event on Mondays and then on the weekend ramping up to the next one. Which saddens me as the event is canceled for this coming Monday! *sad panda* One of the boys is offering to do something this Saturday so YAY if it actually happens.
Needless to say I’m still hung up on some stuff from last Saturday. Mostly what buddy had said as I was leaving with Jack “being available to move in” in the summer should the need arise. Now that Jack has his adult sized paychecks he’s saving to move out of where he is now (which I am assuming is the basement of his parents place). I would assume as well, he’s going to want to move into a place of his own and not share with anyone. And, of course, I know that he was alluding to the possibility of not just being roommates. Plus, if he’s saving money to move out, why not just move in with the girlfriend? Unless, she’s not that type of girlfriend.
It would be cool to have him in one of the other rooms. Everyone he knows lives on this side of the harbour AND I’ll be able to go to Horror Movie events his brother helps run because he has like a car and stuff. I do not get a long with girlfriends though. I proved that before. She’ll be “Oh, she likes video games and bad movies and all kinds of stuff that you do! She’s going to take you away from me!” Not true. I don’t take. Guys leave their girlfriends because they want me, not because I take them away. I don’t do that kind of crap. I wouldn’t know how to do that kind of crap.
There’s more but it’s damn early in the morning and I need to go to bed to catch the rest of the Zeee’s I left on my couch.
More later when I get home from work tonight.
Posted by: athenabast on: January 26, 2010
Tonight was busy as the NB Street Fighter people were in town. Flipping yahoos.
I broke down and got in the car to let him drive me home. The only thing I said to him all night was “Thanks for getting that game with Mes. It saved me from playing KBT.”
“Hunh wha?”
I repeated what I had said.
“Oh, I didn’t know. You’re welcome?”
I snuck a couple looks at him and nothing. *phew*
I won a couple tonight and he took a couple pictures that happened to get me in them. One with me celebrating a win and one just leaning on the counter. I swear if that camera wasn’t so expensive I’d make him eat it. I am not looking forward to seeing these pictures.
Had a really good night fight wise and I’m glad things have essentially smoothed out. Maybe now we can get that drinks/dinner in.
Posted by: athenabast on: January 25, 2010
I going to start this from the end.
Last night one of the guys in our gaming group had a casual party inviting all the cool people in our group to hang out at his house as his wife and baby had gone away for the weekend. I was oddly the first to arrive and the last to leave. I was talking about how I might have to give up my most awesome apartment that was almost the size of the first floor of his house. If my financial situation stayed steady, the Lump and I could go our separate ways some time this summer. What does he say?
“Jack should be available to move in by then!”
“I don’t need to deal with THAT right now!”
I’ve never said anything to him about Jack. Unless he’s picking up on a vibe or Jack has said something. I’m leaning more towards vibe than Jack. He was the guy that was in the car when Jack made that crack about The Lump being “a man’s man”. He was also standing next to me when Jack decided to poke me in the stomach right under my boobs only to discover that’s a good way for your hand to get eaten by fabric. I made an offhanded comment that he probably shouldn’t be doing that and buddy goes and says it’s nothing as he does it to him all the time.
The girlfriend has been confirmed. Well, confirmed enough that I heard him laughingly exclaim, “My girlfriend needs me!” while he continued playing. She messaged him last night and he wouldn’t pause the game. It was a casual get together. No one would have held it against him if he did. Well, maybe one of us would have made a sound like he was whipped. Actually, none of us would have cared.
I didn’t get to do laundry so all the clean clothes I had were my smaller t-shirts. Since it was fight night I decided I might as well wear my TaeKwonDo t-shirt. Fit me alright. I know it’s evil but I just want to torture him for a bit.
He was the last guy to arrive at the party. When he did I was in the other room looking at the collection of video games the host had amassed over the years, and didn’t know he was there until he announced himself while I was bent over looking at games on the lower shelf. I looked at the all the games and then felt the need to go use the facilities.
“Excuse me, I need to go to the little girls’ room,” as I burned passed him.
“I’m going to need to know where the little boys’ and girls’ room is…” his voice drifted off as I went by him.
“It’s the only room with an open door upstairs.”
I think those are the only words I said to him all night. He left before I got a chance to play him and when he left all he said was “Good bye Gents!” completely ignoring my presence.
I’m not sure if I’m grateful or offended.
Posted by: athenabast on: January 21, 2010
I’ve fully admitted about having an intense sexual discussion with Jack. A conversation I’m not proud of but nor do I regret. This girlfriend thing cannot be serious. If there is a girlfriend.
His brother told me, that Jack does have a girlfriend, and that he doesn’t want me to get hurt. I told the brother that I knew about the girlfriend and there’s more shit going on here than you think and told him some of the details. Before I got a chance to tell him about what’s been going on he says to me “Ending relationships are always difficult even when everyone is awesome or awful. I don’t think there are nice ways for that to happen.” So even before I said anything to him his brother had caught wind of something.
You know that when Jack mentioned having a girlfriend, I had to open up about the person I left those cookies for that I didn’t want to talk about. This was during the 3 hour conversation we had on Facebook after he dropped me off at 2AM. It was also during that conversation that I tried doing some investigating. I fully admit to not being angel. We’ve both been bad in regards to handling this. He had mentioned a girl name’s that he has movie nights with so my first thought is, see if there’s a girl on his facebook with that name. My reasoning was not to give him any satisfaction in any reactions he might be looking for now. Also, in this day and age not too many people don’t have their girlfriends/boyfriends as a friend on their facebook pages even if they don’t use the relationship tag. He had mentioned the movie girl, awkwardly like he had mentioned the girlfriend so I assumed it had to be her. I look up the name and see there are 2 girls with that name in his list. One is very married and living on the other side of the world. The other, oddly and frighteningly enough, is a girl I was in grade school with and at that time was my bestest friend and I spent the majority of weekends from the ages of 6-8 at her house. Totally not what I was expecting, and we ended up friending each other which is given the context of it all, very hilarious. So I ask him, “Is (her name) your girlfriend?” and he says no, she’s just a very very good friend. Uh hunh. Now, I’m expecting at this point for him to, oh, I don’t know, tell me the name of this girlfriend but sadly no. Just another thing that points at, not so serious.
After getting about 6 hours sleep, I pop online because there was really nothing else for me to do that day aside from getting ready for the next gaming event that night. He pops online. My first thought stupidly, is to apologize for snooping and my bad behaviour. I don’t get a chance to explain as that’s when he asks me if I regret telling him I have a boyfriend. Why should I regret telling him about a failing relationship? Sounds like to me someone else is regretting something. Only reason why I hadn’t told him yet is because I wanted us to go for drinks/dinner which he agreed to but well hasn’t happened yet. At the rate we are going, there won’t be a need for one. Plus, I’m going to these events to get away from The Lump and he’s usually the last thing on my mind.
To bring up the really intense sexual conversation he and I had last week again….. Ya know, if you’re serious about your girlfriend, I think you shut down any sex talk from other females. And you don’t tell girls you’re not interested in about your “good reviews”. Plus, you don’t ask “Are you still sexing the bf?” You just don’t. He asked me when I might be breaking up with the boyfriend and I told him that with the amount of money I owe I can’t kick him out or move out just yet which he appeared sadden over. I’m not trying to read into it that he wants me. It’s the one thing I’m trying to avoid seeing or at least get confirmation that that’s what I’m seeing. One of the older fellas at work has gone on record saying, “He’s going to hold on to having this girlfriend until you dump your boyfriend and then he’s going to swoop in.” All I can say to that is oh god fuck no.
I get out of this relationship with The Lump and I’m not jumping into another one especially where I have evidence of the guy that he’ll engage in appropriate conversations and actions with other women despite saying he’s got a girlfriend. He’s got a lot to prove to me now if he wants to rekindle anything once The Lump is gone. I definitely don’t want this girl to hunt me down and tell me I ruined her relationship with him. I’m going to tell her I’m not the villain here and I’ll have the evidence to prove it.
Generally consensus from people I’ve given the information to, not trying to paint him negatively or myself positively just the facts as to what went down…… he wants to set himself up as the next guy. Evidence is there, getting unnerved by other guys flirting and being affectionate (because he knows he can’t touch me in a way that would cause extreme tension and awkwardness) while he’s being flirty himself, asking me when I’m leaving the boyfriend, if I’m still sleeping with the boyfriend, what a good lover he is, and slagging the boyfriend in front of other people less than 24 hours having been told details of my relationship.
Really, though. I’m too old for this shit. I would love to be able to use a time machine and tell that shy awkward teenager the crap she’s getting involved in later on. She would ask me what I’ve been smoking in the mean time.
This is all just too bizarre and surreal and omgwtf.
Posted by: athenabast on: January 18, 2010
It’s highly appropriate that my 18th SOTM is this one.
It’s from Great Big Sea’s 2nd album, “Up”, (first on a major label mind you) from 1995. It was the first song that played when I turned on my iPod this morning.
Things are going way weird and fast and I’m all what the hell is going on when it comes to Jack. Granted we’re not there but it’s just things are going places they shouldn’t be going that fast. It’s all so very weird as my head is trying to reconcile the 18 year boy with the 34 year old man[child].
This was the only video I could find. I love Gilmour Girls but dammit if I didn’t think Logan was all kinds of wrong for Rory no matter how much they tried to make it work I just wanted her to come to her senses, slap him, and go find a guy that wasn’t such a jerk.
From the first hello you gave to me
I’ve done nothing else but smile
And I know you’re in a hurry
But it’s gonna take a while.
So forgive me if we go slow,
But there’s something I think you should know…
I’m goin fast as I can, please don’t make me rush
This feeling’s coming on way too fast
I’ll tell you all of the things that you’ll never forget
But I’m not ready say ‘I love you’ yet
I’m not ready to say ‘I love you’ yet.
Don’t push me in too deep,
I’ve always been the fool who rushes in.
You’ve got to take the pieces one-by-one
Before you’ve got everything.
So forgive me if we go slow,
But there’s something I think you should know…
I’m goin fast as I can, please don’t make me rush
This feeling’s coming on way too fast
I’ll tell you all of the things that you’ll never forget
But I’m not ready say ‘I love you’ yet
I’m not ready to say ‘I love you’ yet.
Oh! There’ll be times when I’m mistaken
There’ll be times when we’re gonna fight
But you needn’t doubt we can work it out
And in time we’ll make it right.
So forgive me if we go slow,
But there’s something I think you should know…
I’m goin fast as I can, please don’t make me rush
This feeling’s coming on way too fast
I’ll tell you all of the things that you’ll never forget
But I’m not ready say ‘I love you’ yet
I’m not ready to say ‘I love you’ yet.
I’m goin fast as I can, please don’t make me rush
This feeling’s coming on way too fast
I’ll tell you all of the things that you’ll never forget
But I’m not ready say ‘I love you’ yet
I’m not ready to say ‘I love you’ yet.
Posted by: athenabast on: January 17, 2010
The couple days I’ve been thinking, well, I maybe I misheard what he said. Maybe he was trying to say he and his girlfriend would wear those t-shirts. Not that he had one but if he did, that’s what they would do. This was all in response to my buying sister the “I heart boys who sparkle” and saying she could share with her boyfriend.
I don’t know what prompted our conversation last night. It probably had something to do with Street Fighter 4. Him trying to convince me I should change my fighter and telling me about streamy tournaments and other things. Somehow we got to flirting.
He started it. I went along reluctantly.
Then I told him largely what I said last time here. Then things went off the rails.
We started talking about sex and blowjobs. How much I missed real raw dirty sex and giving head. And then he started posting more slowly. Not less provactively just slowly. I’m thinking, oh fuck, he is NOT whacking off to this is he?
We talked about all kinds of things involving sex. It was really intense and intimate and wow. I got so turned on. Really turned on. My hands and feet were cold from the blood rushing places it hadn’t been in a while.
We talked about how I’m trying to save money to lose the Lump. I’m not trying to lead Jack on by no means. If anything I’ve done my damnest to keep him at an arm’s length or more.
Monday is going to be major awkward I’m sensing.
